“I cried over beautiful things knowing no beautiful thing lasts.

The field of cornflower yellow is a scarf at the neck of the copper sunburned woman,
the mother of the year, the taker of seeds.

The northwest wind comes and the yellow is torn full of holes, new beautiful things
come in the first spit of snow on the northwest wind, and the old things go,

not one lasts."
~Carl Sandburg, "Autumn Movement"

Chase after my night
Free me from the light
your starlight
Echoing
Frantically contagious virus of light
slither through me
drag me through time.
Take me, unending river
crawl against the lathered road
feel to midnight entering
Thrust me through
carry me through
drag me through time.

Stepping forward into an abyss...

I'm driving in the middle of the night windows down and sweeter jazz pumping from my speakers, as if I were racing towards those musicians, I could find them if I drove faster and faster yet. In dream fields opening in my mind I find I'm the one racing through time. There's no relevance of it, see, there's an open road running and running and I'm this mirage of speed and pure unavoidable ecstasy. Keep driving, keep pumping into me, thrust up from underneath me and steal my breath away. I'm thinking of a place I want to be and I put myself back there, rewind to the exact same moment, open my eyes and let my hair fall down and crash like cotton waves over the sides of my bare body. Yes I'm free in these arms and draped in neon sheets that wait with me oh so patiently. Yes I am free, discover this last world with me, feel it, heart keep pumping into me fight against this emptiness, against the odds we faced from the beginning, against those goddamn humming hoards of drowning figures with their painkillers and useless ivy league degrees draped over their shoulders as they shovel shit for beans. Fight here with me, against my body. Fight here with me, against my racing veins and coming down in time to meet the rhythm of your wind stroked eyes. Because I loved the smell of that soul next to mine, that I could get close for minutes in sublime powers and please oh pleas of crying exasperation and evaporation into the flying sails I knew were not mine. Oh but the time, it was fine with your weight over mine and I felt for moments so everlastingly able to face wrath of a hundred herds of angry wild horses that would beat over my body whispering one thousand things unkind. How I wanted every moment to be mine, to be able to come and find you when I grew hungry and needed to feel the climb. But now I'm driving in this lonely desert at night and I find no signs , I'm lost forever in time. Just this meager memory who floats away. I made no mistake in that I'm stepping forward into an abyss and I'm setting myself on fire. The weight of the beautiful soul inside you will reach higher than I can ever know, that I feel, that one thing I inherently know. I'm stepping forward into an abyss and I'm setting myself on fire.

I keep thinking about waking up in the desert of Peru. It wasn't ideal, being that it was a night on a bus and although I'm only twenty, my joints and back get sore just as they would at an older age. But for some odd reason there was something invigorating about that bus ride in the morning dawn. I felt the lighting through the misted windows so I wiped them as best I could with my hand to uncover a sunrise I won't forget. It was quiet, I think I was the first passenger to wake in the scene of the fog setting in over these mountainous dunes that the road winded through. I remember thinking of how beautifully empty that part of the world is. I remember looking around at the people sleeping and wondering about their families, their work, their opinions, their dreams, how peaceful they are. I looked back out the window. I'm so far away today. Sometimes I lay awake at night and think about random snips of time where I had at the moment they were made, been deep in thought, it's like suddenly being awake in them again. If only I could live in them.

Dear Diary,
I'm afraid I am gravely ill. It is perhaps times like these that one reflects on things past. An article of clothing from when I was young, a green jacket. A walk with my father. A game we once played. Pretend we're faeries. I'm a girl faerie. My name is Laura Lee. And you're a boy faerie and your name is Tita Lee. Pretend, when we're faeries we fight each other, and I say, "Stop hitting me, I'll die!" And you hit me again and I say, "Now I have to die." and then you say, "But I'll miss you." And I say, "But I have to. And you'll have to wait a million years to see me again. And I'll be put in a box, and all I'll need is a tiny glass of water and lots of tiny pieces of pizza and the box will have wings like an airplane." And you'll ask, "Where will it take you?"
"Home." I say.
--Synecdoche, New York
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8BgFTR4PjQ&feature=feedf

Checking In

So I know I said I'd be offline for a while but I figured I'd let the people who read this blog know what I'll be doing. I'm very excited about what I've in mind and I was originally going to wait two weeks when I had more of a collection to brag about but for now, this is what's going on: I'm going to be doing a series of photos, drawings, paintings, and journal entries entitled "Farewell Florida" (title may change). I'm going to be traveling around the state on my days off and capturing some pretty sweet places I've found in my two years here. It's something to do really, when the days start to drag, I have a day off to look forward to in which I'll be doing my all-time favorite pass time of raw discovery and nostalgic exploration. This exploration goes far beyond literal, however, and in a variety of ways:

Reading...scientific books as well as new novels that I may have missed on the shelves will be part of this. Beginning with Darwin's Origin of Species, something I've only ever read large excerpts from but never cover to cover, I want to examine certain disciplines I've been taking for granted.

Drawing... has never been a strong suit for me, however I've been doing graphite sketches and they've all come out okay.

Watercolor. I want to get back into my painting, really focusing on it instead of dabbling wet on wet scenes.

Writing. I'm writing a novel. It may take a long time, it may only take a month or two depending on my focus. I want the story to fulfill a missing part of my philosophy and for that I'd need to examine myself more closely than ever before. I also bought a quill so that I would write slower and really take in and think about the words pouring onto the page. I highly recommend it too.

I will be posting on my blog periodically, just not every day. I have to admit, no connection to the Internet opens up a lot of creative freedom and makes me want to deep sea dive into information (ironically). I'm very antsy about this project, it feels good already. The pictures are just an introduction of much more to come. Keep reading, this only gets better. Oh and listen to some good tunes I'm currently listening to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziQx0cXV4nY&feature=related

I'm going to disappear for a while.

There's some things right now that, I really don't need. I know that you're okay now and that's all that's important to me. I'm going to take some time, watch some films, read some books, maybe continue writing my book, do a photo series, and stay away from this internet thing...do some healing. I'll always be here for you if you really ever need me. I'm going to focus on my art for a while.

Fish

There's a legend in China about a koi fish who swims up the Yellow River his whole life in order to overcome the waterfalls and be transformed into a dragon. For long the fish have symbolized the perseverance of an individual but also the struggle for independence, freedom, in the face of societal conformity. Fish are some of the most impressive creatures when it comes to the harsh conditions they face. Able to survive under a frozen glaze and even live out longer lives than humans who keep them in captivity, koi fish are notably some of the most beautiful fish in the world. It is their poetry and and distinguished versatility of their look which sets them apart from normal carp. Some koi are able to develop trusting relationships with one or two human beings in which they show affection and love.

Few people in the world actually exemplify the traits of a fish. Within the zodiac a fish symbolizes creativity, empathy and caring nature. A person is unpredictable, and someone important is never disappointing. Choose which way to swim, either with current and simply plugging through life or against it fighting for the life you want and the one you deserve. Fish are free it's what makes them so interesting.

When I was ten years old my dad brought a fish charm back from Japan with him and gave it to me. I tied it to a piece of string and wore it all the time. They say it is supposed to bring you luck, but it never did that for me. When I got older, in a way I gave up on it and tied it to a chain and wore it more simply and not as frequently. I'm not a fish, I don't really have those traits. In a way I think I was always just meant to find one. My soul is so much more Earth-bound than that of a fish. When I did finally find a fish, I considered myself for the first time really lucky. I fell in love with a fish, but fish don't really love back it isn't in their nature to love so simplistically. Fish love things that are larger than their own spirits, they can go beyond their years, they can swim upstream and become dragons. There's a story for everything, a legend even. If I had to go back, I wouldn't change the way I met my fish, the way I loved my fish, or the way I had to set my fish free. In my heart I will always protect that fish, keep its spirit alive and safe. You can only ever come across one fish, that's why I know I'm lucky.

So when you wake up one morning and the sky is heading towards the ground, as long as your mind is there, you're going to be okay, it'll be a beautiful day.