Lovely Rita and I took a ride today, very far away. I probably shouldn't have done this since my oil hasn't been changed since maybe February, but there was something calling me east that I just had to follow. So on my way home from yet another day at work full of the most exhausting character acting I've ever put on, I took a spontaneous left turn down Clark Road. This was a rather difficult maneuver considering my left turn signal burnt out two weeks ago and my tires are slowly but surely losing traction. (My poor Lovely Rita hasn't been much of her sturdy self these days, but I suppose if I ran 50,000 miles, neither would I.)
I just started to drive with no plans for where I was heading, which happens to be one of my favorite pass times and I think I really needed this one. In this state, taking a drive into the country is actually rather daring and adventurous. Imagine if Rita had broken down next to the swamps, with no sanctuary for miles and hardly any mobile signal (not like it would have helped considering I didn't even bother charging my phone) just me and the swamp critters, most of which are deadly. I wonder if anyone would have even thought to look for me out there....if they even bothered looking.
Anyway, I drove for a good hour and then had to stop. The road turns from three lanes to one lane rather silently and suddenly you find yourself traveling through "old Florida." Nevertheless, I enjoyed the scenery, for some reason it always has a way of reminding me of places I've been, like Arizona. I realize that Arizona is the complete opposite kind of Earth but it's the flatness and the sun setting with a profound water colored ending that just sparks some sort of memory in my mind of the desert.
When I decided I was going to turn back I just stopped for a minute to take in the air at the farthest point I drove. I looked over the barren terrain at the orange skyline in the distance trying to force myself to see this place as home. I've been here a year now. I am a resident of the state of Florida. The thing is, no matter how hard I try I can't ever picture this place as my home. It's like a wool sweater, it keeps you warm but you get all itchy and the more you scratch the more you'd rather just take it off and deal with the cold. I think if I put it all together, added up all of the good moments, I've probably only had about two happy months in this place. Still, it's not to say that I look at Pennsylvania as home, nor Connecticut for that matter. I'm proud to say I'm from New England but the truth is, it's just the place I was born, I have no real lasting ties that call my name. Pennsylvania is where I grew up and I love the memories I have there, but it just can't really be called home as I told a co-worker the other day.
We were talking about how he had gone back to Boston, where he is from, and how it just wasn't "home" anymore. I told him it was because that part of his life was over and there's no going back to it, you just have to hold on to what you have left of it. He smiled and told me that I was "very wise" for my age and I told him that when you live a life full of brief moments you kind of have to learn how to live fast and learn fast. Maybe that's why I always hated school, it just seemed such a waste of my time when I could learn things a lot faster with experience. The more people you encounter in your lifetime makes you quick on your toes. I've been taught how to network with the "right" people, I've been taught how to speak convincingly to a large crowd, I've been taught how to make a friend smile, I've been taught how to question, and to dismiss anger, and I've been taught how to absorb feeling from around me which provides me with an empathy and understanding for every person I meet.
Next year I will be moving from this state and there will be things, as always, that I will miss. Despite the fact that I never wanted to be here, I have found my places to hide from the world, where I can think without distraction. When you leave a place behind, those places disappear too and you never really go back. I don't know where I will be going next, to be honest. I'm not sure if I will go to New York, somewhere in South America, London, Paris, I was even considering Vancouver for a while (imagine me....in Canada), but I'm sure wherever I end up will finally be the adventure that I've been searching for or at least the beginning of a good one. Wherever I go, I bring a suitcase full of charms and trinkets with memories sealed on them, irreplaceable. And I hope I go along with a true friend, the one I've been waiting for, for so long.
I got back into my car and drove home, feeling a familiar emptiness. What have I done? And why am I here all alone? It's true, I've a lot to learn about the world, people, relationships, and just plain living for that matter. Currently, I'm going to hang on to the things I need, for I have no home but the metaphorical walls I've built around me, protecting myself from those who wish to do me harm. In the end, it is naivety that fails those walls, but I'd rather be stupid and have met the people I have than be too hidden, reserved, and intelligent to explore emotion. I hope that one day they all will see the unconditional love I always had for the persons they are. I suppose somewhere up this road will be a lot more things, good and bad, that will force me to abandon more of my inner child. It hurts to sew up those holes and it's confusing not knowing where to go tomorrow. For now, there is not much more can be said about a crossroads at the corner of nineteenth and never.
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