Checking In

So I know I said I'd be offline for a while but I figured I'd let the people who read this blog know what I'll be doing. I'm very excited about what I've in mind and I was originally going to wait two weeks when I had more of a collection to brag about but for now, this is what's going on: I'm going to be doing a series of photos, drawings, paintings, and journal entries entitled "Farewell Florida" (title may change). I'm going to be traveling around the state on my days off and capturing some pretty sweet places I've found in my two years here. It's something to do really, when the days start to drag, I have a day off to look forward to in which I'll be doing my all-time favorite pass time of raw discovery and nostalgic exploration. This exploration goes far beyond literal, however, and in a variety of ways:

Reading...scientific books as well as new novels that I may have missed on the shelves will be part of this. Beginning with Darwin's Origin of Species, something I've only ever read large excerpts from but never cover to cover, I want to examine certain disciplines I've been taking for granted.

Drawing... has never been a strong suit for me, however I've been doing graphite sketches and they've all come out okay.

Watercolor. I want to get back into my painting, really focusing on it instead of dabbling wet on wet scenes.

Writing. I'm writing a novel. It may take a long time, it may only take a month or two depending on my focus. I want the story to fulfill a missing part of my philosophy and for that I'd need to examine myself more closely than ever before. I also bought a quill so that I would write slower and really take in and think about the words pouring onto the page. I highly recommend it too.

I will be posting on my blog periodically, just not every day. I have to admit, no connection to the Internet opens up a lot of creative freedom and makes me want to deep sea dive into information (ironically). I'm very antsy about this project, it feels good already. The pictures are just an introduction of much more to come. Keep reading, this only gets better. Oh and listen to some good tunes I'm currently listening to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziQx0cXV4nY&feature=related

I'm going to disappear for a while.

There's some things right now that, I really don't need. I know that you're okay now and that's all that's important to me. I'm going to take some time, watch some films, read some books, maybe continue writing my book, do a photo series, and stay away from this internet thing...do some healing. I'll always be here for you if you really ever need me. I'm going to focus on my art for a while.

Fish

There's a legend in China about a koi fish who swims up the Yellow River his whole life in order to overcome the waterfalls and be transformed into a dragon. For long the fish have symbolized the perseverance of an individual but also the struggle for independence, freedom, in the face of societal conformity. Fish are some of the most impressive creatures when it comes to the harsh conditions they face. Able to survive under a frozen glaze and even live out longer lives than humans who keep them in captivity, koi fish are notably some of the most beautiful fish in the world. It is their poetry and and distinguished versatility of their look which sets them apart from normal carp. Some koi are able to develop trusting relationships with one or two human beings in which they show affection and love.

Few people in the world actually exemplify the traits of a fish. Within the zodiac a fish symbolizes creativity, empathy and caring nature. A person is unpredictable, and someone important is never disappointing. Choose which way to swim, either with current and simply plugging through life or against it fighting for the life you want and the one you deserve. Fish are free it's what makes them so interesting.

When I was ten years old my dad brought a fish charm back from Japan with him and gave it to me. I tied it to a piece of string and wore it all the time. They say it is supposed to bring you luck, but it never did that for me. When I got older, in a way I gave up on it and tied it to a chain and wore it more simply and not as frequently. I'm not a fish, I don't really have those traits. In a way I think I was always just meant to find one. My soul is so much more Earth-bound than that of a fish. When I did finally find a fish, I considered myself for the first time really lucky. I fell in love with a fish, but fish don't really love back it isn't in their nature to love so simplistically. Fish love things that are larger than their own spirits, they can go beyond their years, they can swim upstream and become dragons. There's a story for everything, a legend even. If I had to go back, I wouldn't change the way I met my fish, the way I loved my fish, or the way I had to set my fish free. In my heart I will always protect that fish, keep its spirit alive and safe. You can only ever come across one fish, that's why I know I'm lucky.

So when you wake up one morning and the sky is heading towards the ground, as long as your mind is there, you're going to be okay, it'll be a beautiful day.

Thoughts from Vacant Beaches

I skipped class today after work and took a drive out to a beach I know of that's usually vacant and found it still is. I've begun to hate the beach and I avoid it at all cost. I don't really know why, maybe it's the people and the noise they make or maybe it's just me hating Florida. This place is beautiful, I can understand why people like it. I was talking to a writer the other day who was finishing her book where I work and of course she told me everything that everyone always tells me, "These are the best years of your life." I hate that. In the end I haven't lived them to the full potential if they are. I need change. I need things to get better, desperately. I haven't been in the best state of mind lately which is why this blog looks like a graveyard on the summary page. I've been lashing out at my life because I've been stuck in this little box for too long and getting out, feeling the air a bit in the world for such a short while woke me up to the way I live.

I really had intended to stay down there until I realized just how lonely I would have become, as if I'm not already bad enough in that aspect. I don't think people realize that. A lot of people say that they would rather be by themselves but I know what living like that actually does to you first hand. I worked so hard to get to South America that when I got there, I was so tired, exploration wasn't as vivid as the original idea had been. It was still worth all the while and is unforgettable. It's the best trip I've been on and I can't escape the memory of who was there with me. Although I feel I took up too much time, I could tell the days he would have rather not been there and didn't want to be around me. I felt horrible about that the whole time. He was always good to me, I just want him to be happy. I wanted loving him to be a good thing but it didn't mean anything to him. I wasn't worth the fight. It isn't easy, I have to think about him everyday and I've written some things I didn't mean but I have hope that further from now he'll remember me and maybe smile. I hope that one day he'll have everything he wants. I want that so much.

Of course, it is a personal flaw that I had told myself to come back convincing myself that things would get better, there were ways of improving. When I did come back, everything was the same, I was just happier and still taking daily dosages of that hope. Until what remained of my money was taken from me, I started making myself sick out of stress and not eating, and I had no one's place to escape to, there was no quiet bedroom I could collapse in, no one to talk to, no arm would wrap around me when I went to sleep, and I realized I was in the exact same place I had been before I left and that scared me more than anything. I don't think people realize what lonely really means.

I'm creating though, through everything. Art, however bad mine is, has always been worth it. I bought a new hat and some books. Hats always make me feel better. Weird ones that I can work into my wardrobe in some way especially make my day. I need more hats. Lastly, someone told me he'd move with me to Portland. We're going to start a house out there and we laid down all the requirements which really made everything seem real. We're driving up at the end of January with another girl from where I work who doesn't know yet that she's coming. We're also going to start a band, which is something I've always wanted to do. I've just always been too intimidated to join in anyone else's. We plan on raising free range chickens and having a diverse vegetable garden and we may start our own microbrewery. It's all very exciting and since we work together there's no way this excitement can just die over night.

I'm looking forward to the Northwest and exploring an area I've never been to before. Mostly I can barely even stand the wait to feel the mountain air and being outside really doing things.

I left the beach feeling better. I need to learn how to control the passion that I have inside of me. It's as if my life is one of the novels I read, I need something to be happening to me for it to be worth even telling the story, I need change, I need a future, I need hope. I just wish sometimes that I could have had just one thing I've dreamt of or fought for. I really can't live off of false hopes anymore. I'm going to close my eyes tonight and live in the things I've wanted. It is as close to real as any of it ever can be.

I've been fond of this song lately, it's funny how you stumble on songs that seem to fit so elegantly for the time. Music has a way of finding you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT69zOTNa8Q

Run the curve of the spine
fingers through hair
and smile for the first time.

Images laying on unsettled beaches
claimed with whispers
flag draped in memories unsearchable
untraceable effigies.
We will never leave.

The raucous noise of after night
that breaks between our minds
replaces skin to shadow
breaks through, creation of unremembered hour
how uncertain the hope infected mind.

Unmerciful lonely sanity
empty trays and sounds fade
feel the heartbeat that goes beyond me
this was our last day.

Run the curve of the spine
fingers through hair
smile for the last time.

Fields of sabulous structure
hollow hearted thunder
watch the needled arm bleed
and wish to live some other life
in some other time.

In the bold and busted quiet I heard
echoed cries of a bridled soul
and it slowly shattered mine.

In the dreary morning
I wake to find
you still glide through the mountains
in my unrested mind.